Wal★Mart
Origem: Desciclopédia, a enciclopédia livre de conteúdo.
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The autor of this artigo copied it from one outro artigo em inglish. Finish it translate for portuguese NOW!!! |
  "In Bu$h We Trust!" |
| PLANTÃO DESNOTÍCIAS ECONOMIA INFORMA:
As ações de Wal-Mart apresentam ALTA de 6,53% e são negociadas, a R$ 71,557. Mais informações a qualquer momento, aqui. |
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Não sabe o que é, joga no Google! 
Cristian Pior sobre Wal-Mart
Você quis dizer: Mercado de Paredes
Google sobre Wal-Mart
Daigyuu buga raii!/É lá onde compro paredes!
Boneco de The Sims sobre parede que comprou no Wal-Mart
Eu vou tentar achar minha vaga semana que vem!
Oscar Wilde sobre Wall-Mart
Um dos lugares em que eu mais compro.
Riquinho sobre Wall-Mart
Oh yeah, eu conheço aquele lugarr, eu comprrei uma parrede lá no mêss passado...
George Bush sobre Wall-Mart
Na União Soviética, o Wall-Mart explora VOCÊ e... Peralá!
Reversal Russa sobre Wal-Mart
É um lugar pra comprar paredes (e coisas de parede) a baixos preços!
Engenheiro sobre Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart foi a quinta das Sete Pragas do Egito. Começou em 1400 e lá vai pedrada quando Moisés disse ao Faraó:
Deixe meu povo comprar!
Moisés sobre libertar seu povo dos altos preços
E o Faraó disse com a maior calma que um cidadão poderia ter:
Não.
Faraó sobre fanfarronice do Moisés
Então Deus criou a praga chamada Wall-Mart em 42 horas como punição ao Egípcios pela sua insolência.
Wall-Mart é a doença, eu sou a cura! Se eu estivesse lá isso não teria rolado!
Marion Cobretti sobre praga desgraçada do Egito
Infelizmente, nos tempos modernos, a maldição, depois de se manter selada por séculos, acabou reacordando nos Estados Unidos pelo Anticristo em Arkansas, Sam Walton. Respostas de Deus sobre o fato não se confirmaram, já que ele está numa jornada intergalática desde a noite do 6º Dia e não pode se marcar uma entrevista (provavelmente para ver se fugia de CN por ter feito essa baita cagada). Mas a praga Wall-Mart continuou a se espalhar em regiões onde sua inclusão seria loucura total.
Madness? THIS IS CAPITALISM!!
Leônidas sobre praga de Tio Sam
A população mundial será condenada a escravidão enquanto existir as incríveis ofertas de DVD's a U$ 5,00 no Wall-Mart. E recentemente se tornou um ser venéreo e em forma de Casa em que Satanás queria morar Wall-Martmon. Mas tenha cuidado: ele pode levar o que quiser e vender a um preço além da barateza como sua alma ou até sua mãe.
[editar] Arquivo Missão Principal
Para capturar territórios e aplicar regras de Sun-Tzu, além de conquistar todo mundo e forçá-los a viver suas efêmeras e inúteis vidas construindo Wall-Marts, trabalhando no Wall-Mart, comprando no Wall-Mart e ganhando dinheiro o suficiente para comprar um sachê de ketchup e mostarda, deixando seus trabalhadores num estado abaixo da pobreza. E deve-se perceber que nos E.U.A. a concepção de hora-extra, morcegagem ou algo assim não lhe dá benefício nenhum a não ser que seu objetivo seja alimentar a máquina capitalista.
De acordo com o Arquivo Missão Principal, Wall-Mart deve começar eliminando completamente os pequenos negócios locais. Depois tornar a população acima do peso para vender algum produto besta de emagrecimento.
Não no meu turno!
Ciro Bottini sobre plano maligno do Wal-Mart
[editar] Slogans favoritos do Wall-Mart
* 1. Wal-Mart, sempre ferrando e/ou controlando sua mente, SEMPRE! * 2. Hipermercados Extra podem ir à MERDAA! Junto com a Pão de Açúcar e tantas outras! * 3. Torre seu dinheiro aqui, no Wal-Mart! * 4. Wal-Mart, a arrebentação de bolsos! * 5. Mc'Donalds no Wal-Mart? PUTA MERDA! * 6. Ótimo, agora as crianças estão gastando também... * 7. Pessoas reclamam por não terem dinheiro, por causa do Wal-Mart! * 8. Vão se f#%&*@uder no Wal-Mart! * 9. Não há boa vida e economia aqui, cara! *10. Briquedos chineses garantidos, SEMPRE! *11. Na América Capitalista, Wal-Mart empobrece VOCÊ! (Paródia da Reversal Russa) *12. Me coma, na Wal-Mart! (Paris Hilton)
[editar] Maneiras de passar o tempo na Wal-Mart
- Conte quantas vezes você terá de encarar aqueles recepcionistas senis antes deles começarem a falar alguma coisa coerente.
- Entre e saia repetitivamente da loja e conte quantas "visitas" leva pro recepcionista parar de recepcioná-lo.
- Ande até um associado e diga a ele num tom de oficialidade "Acho que temos um Código Azul nos Armazéns" e veja o que acontece.
- Passe pelo caixa com uma sacola com peixinhos dourados, molho tártaro e uma frigideira.
- Ponha M&M's, comida congelada, chiclete, uma lagosta viva/camarão empalado ou uma alface em qualquer lugar aleatório.
- Vá numa máquina registradora, e aperte #96 (ou sei lá qual é o botão de intercom, que é aquele telefone onde se fala com os funcionários) e deixe fora do gancho. Desse modo ninguém na loja poderá falar um com o outro até que achem o intercom e coloquem no gancho.
- Arme uma barraca na área de camping; faça uma fogueira usando toras artificiais (sim nos Estados Unidos existem toras artificiais).
- Troque o aviso de homens e mulheres nos banheiros por Wannabes e Mafagafos daí veja o caos rolar.
- Coloque um aviso de estacionar bem em frente da loja.
- Na seção de Esportes, procure por alguém de olho em material de golfe, daí vá ao fim da seção jogue uma bola de golfe perto da pessoa e grite "BOLA!!" e finalmente o último e mais importante fato, CORRA PRA CARALHO!!
- Pegue estalinhos ou fogos de artifício e vá até a seção de Caça quando tiver um bom número de pessoas. Grite e solte os estalinhos ou fogos de artifício, e caia no chão. Veja quanto tempo levou para as pessoas saírem dos seus esconderijos.
- Fique perguntando incessantemente aos empregados: "Sabe me dizer onde está a seção de paredes? Afinal esse é o Wall Mart, não é?"
- Substitua produtos da seção de congelados com isca de peixe da seção de Pesca. Daí dê em forma de amostra grátis e veja o que acontece...
- Vá para o Departamento de Brinquedos e deixe a seção inteira com uma batalha em tamanho real entre os bonecos da DC Comics e os da Marvel Comics.
- Pegue um intercom sem ninguém por perto e aperte #96 para ativar o sistema, daí grite com toda a força: "PÊÊÊNIIIISS" pelo auto-falante da loja e tente assustar os clientes.
- Siga pessoas perguntando: "Você é minha mãe?"
- Desafie outros clientes a uma batalha Jedi ou um duelo de Espadas com rolos de papel laminado ou algo que se pareça com uma espada.
- Marque todos os alarmes para tocar ao mesmo tempo.
- Grite: "THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!" pelo intercom e chute quem tentar te interromper.
- Diga ao caixa que você é da Imigração.
- Ou peça pelo gerente e diga que todos que serão deportados pro México.
- Arranje vários amigos para terem uma corrida com carrinhos de compras.
- Fale em Portuñol ao caixa enquanto branda dezenas de cupons para tentar comprar alguma coisa.
- Se algum funcionário chegar e perguntar se pode ajudá-lo, comece a chorar e diga: "Por que ninguém me deixa em paz?
- Olhe reto na câmera de segurança e use como espelho. E cutuque o nariz.
- Enquanto testa armas no departamento de Caça, pergunte ao cara de lá se ele sabe onde ficam os anti-depressivos.
- Quando alguém falar pelo intercom, fique na posição fetal e grite: "NÃOO! São aquelas vozes de novo!!"
- Vá no vestuário, feche a porta e espere; daí grite, bem alto mesmo: "Não tem papel higiênico aqui!"
- Chegue num completo estranho e diga: "Ei, olha só há quanto tempo eu não te vejo e blá blá blá..." e encoste neles o quanto puder. Veja se eles ficam nessa pra evitar constrangimento.
- Grite qualquer nome e veja se respondem.
- Contamine toda a seção de automobilismo com sprays de cheirinho pra carros.
- Teste as varas de pescar e veja o que consegue pegar nas outras seções.
- Olhe para a logomarca na frente da loja e imagine girar a estrela em 42 graus, daí fique de joelhos e venere o símbolo.
- Leve mulher/marido, ou namorado(a) aos vestuários com você e gritem com toda a força: "VAI, METE COM MAIS FORÇA, PORRA!" ou algo do gênero, depois disso chegue num empregado que passou por perto pra espiar e pergunte onde tem pílulas de aborto.
- Fique tocando a campainha no caixa da seção de roupas repetidamente para irritar todo mundo e veja quanto tempo demora para ela (afinal que homem trabalharia na seção de roupas, e caixa ainda por cima?) te matar.
- Pegue um carrinho e vá em qualquer lugar e vá enchendo de coisas (pequenas e uma TV também) até que o carrinho encha e leve pra perto do caixa e deixe lá! Daí diga a um empregado que você se lembrou de uma oferta melhor em uma loja rival.
- Mire em alguém (de verdade): faça contato visual até te notarem. Então siga essa pessoa encarando elas o tempo todo, não tire seus olhos dela! Quando fizer contato visual de novo grite para elas: "
CARALHOPQPJESUS, O QUIÉ QUE VOCÊ TÁ OLHANDO?!" o mais alto que puder e dê o fora. - Se esconda nos cabides (principalmente aqueles que escondem seus pés) e espere alguém chegar perto. Pule e grite que nem um macaco com diarréia para borrar de medo a pessoa. Corra e se esconda de novo, daí pegue outra vítima.
- Vá ao departamento de caça e pergunte ao cara de lá qual é a melhor arma pra matar seu cônjuge/sogra/irmão(ã).
- Pegue um estilingue, muitas pedrinhas e uma escada. Daí divirta-se incomodando os pásaros que ficam no teto.
- Vista-se de monstro: chupa cabra/Alien/Dercy Gonçalves e fique entre dois carros no estacionamento e pule gritando no cara que coloca papéizinhos ou santinhos nos pára-brisas.
- Coloque uma plaquinha de VIP na entrada mais fácil e faça as pessoas entrarem pela mais longa, ou mais chata ou a que obrigue a pessoa a estacionar do outro lado da rua.
- Corra pro cara da porta ou pro segurança e diga frenéticamente que seu filho está preso em uma passagem estreita. Quando o ppessoal se agachar ou ficar se espremendo na passagem saia correndo da loja.
- Pergunte ao cara na entrevista de emprego se pode colocar Orkut ou MSN na área de "E-Mail para contato".
- Entre vestido de Tinky Winky ou de qualquer um dos Telettubies, e fique assustando qualquer funcionário que fique parado o dia todo, como caixa ou segurança ficando atrás deles encarando-os.
- DISCRETAMENTE coloque um cocôzinho (de verdade ou falso, tanto faz) entre uma fileira de brinquedos e veja se alguma criança azarada achou.
- Vá na seção de armas, e diga que precisa de uma para o seu trabalho. Quando perguntarem que trabalho é diga uma das seguinte:
- Carteiro;
- Professor de Primário/Segundo Ano;
- Jornaleiro;
- Eletricista;
- Caixa da loja rival, enfim o que sua criatividade mandar.
- Vá em uma seção, vamos dizer uma seção que tem papel higiênico por exemplo. Pergunte a alguém se ela sabe onde tem papel higiênico.
- Use o intercom, e diga com aquela voz de pato: "Limpeza no Corredor 3", 30 segundos depois "Limpeza no Corredor 9". Vá fazendo até perceberem o que está rolando.
- Pegue duas diferentes marcas de Shampoo e pergunte aos caras de lá qual é a melhor opção. Fique enchendo o saco falando de seu cabelo, sua vida, da morte da Bezerra, do Mafagafo... Qualquer porra só pra encher o saco deles até darem o fora dali.
- Grite no intercom: "Pelos próxinos 5 minutos, 99% de desconto em tudo da loja! TU-DO!!" e veja o que acontece.
- Vá andando pela loja e diga aos clientes: "Eu sou da Segurança Sanitária, por acaso já se sentiu enjoado ou com alergias comendo alimentos daqui? Porque eu estou fazendo um relatório sobre esse lugar, e até agora.. Bem, você me entendeu..."
- Compre um <insira nome de item aqui>, ande até sair mas volte. Vá pegar outro do mesmo <insira nome de item aqui> e repita o processo. Quando perguntarem, diga que você está tentando pegar o melhor <insira nome de item aqui>.
- Use o intercom e diga: "Esse estabelecimento está em quarentena por <insira nome de Doença Mortal e contagiosa aqui>, por favor mantenham a calma, tem muitos papéis e canetas para escrever testamento na sação de Escritório, e os telefones estão abertos para quem quer fazer as últimas declarações à pessoas amadas antes da dor agonizante. Qualquer um que sair da loja será morto a tiros por militares. Tenham um bom dia".
[editar] História
A história começa com Chris Finke, um andróide inventado pelos japas para acabar com a liberdade, digo América... NÃO!! Quis dizer liberdade! Enfim, depois daquele ano, ele usou uma máquina do tempo que Godzilla recusou a destruir, e voltou no tempo para matar John Connor tomar a colônia americana. Wal Mart foi fundado por um monstro de três cabeças e um SuperCowboy chamado Clint Eastwood John-boy Walton/Sam Walton nos estepes da montanha Walton em 1902. Ele era uma criança adotada e ruiva dos Waltons, que você nunca viu pois estava preso no sótão. [1]
- John-Boy foi sortudo o bastante pra fugir e morar na cidade grande como empregado do
CarrefourK-Mart. Depois de receber o primeiro salário, ele percebeu que não poderia pagar o aluguel daquele apartamento na esquina da rua principal (aquele que tinha uma ponte em cima).
Wall-Mart foi usado como um paraíso para prostitutas e viciados em drogas no seu singelo nascimento em Iowa. Walton diz que seus motivos era fazer uma alternativa a Target, mas revelou mais futuramente que:
Eu criei o Wal-Mart para arrasar o governo e dominar a América!!
{{{2}}}
Como se pode notar, Walton não era um exemplo de bondade, pelas suas roupas "barateadas" eram feitas com cabelos de órfãos!! Para simplificar, o slogan/jingle não é "Sempre Preços Baixos", mas "Sempre Corporativamente Ganancioso!"
Sendo um furioso ruivo, ele se rebelou ao recusar chegar ao trabalho a tempo para um amigo oculto. Sua curta experiência no K-Mart o fez acreditar que podia começar sua própria cadeia de lojas.
His short-term employment experience at K-mart led him to believe that he could start his own chain of stores. He was so angry with K-mart for treating him like a common stock boy that he sold everything he had pilfered from K-mart at the flea market and opened his first store with the proceeds.
Walton initially began his enterprise in a hostile takeover of Godsey's General Store. So hostile in fact that John-boy's mole was shot off, and Mary-Ellen's husband was "killed" but later came back as Ultra Jesus. John-boy increased traffic to his store by selling lumber from Pa's mill and The Recipe (the moonshine that the Baldwin sisters made).
Having had competent employees at his first store, he was able to make enough money to open another. After several years of success, he let his employees follow in his footsteps.
Some years later Walton decided, "Hey, let's sell cheap crap and put American workers out of business!" and proceeded to do just that.
Even though he boasts of happy, helping employees (which he euphemistically insists on calling 'associates' for some unknown reason) you hardly can ever find one when you need help.
After such great success, one would think they could find competent employees.
In only three years Wal-Mart Germany was so successful that they sold everything, including Germany.
fuck you !!!!
[editar] Protesters
Many a people do dislike Wal-mart so much they go out of their way to protest it. They protest thinking 'Wal-mart is hurting our neighborhood and destroying our "Mom and Pop" businesses' when in fact the "Mom and Pop" businesses don't have very many customers and they don't have the ingenious 'ROLLBACK' so the prices remain the same. Plus, most of the organizers who organize the protests are indeed the owners or inheritors of the mom and pop business who are running it into the ground and need a scapegoat.
Some of the reasons these people protest are:
A man/woman can't raise a family on their wage
Poor health benefits
Poor working conditions
"Mom and Pop" s#it whatever
And an unsanitary work place
Destroying environment.
Some of the reasons why they shouldn't are:
A man/woman shouldn't try to support their family working at wal-mart
One should pay for health insurance (Cost too much? DON'T WORK AT WAL-MART!!)
It's a giant store that's hard to maintain
"Mom and Pop" is s#it whatever
If it's SO unsanitary, you wipe up the vomit
One thing agreeable is that Wal-Mart does treat people like their own. Hint: Shit.
But until "Mom and Pop" shops sell food, clothes, video games, movies, guns, magazines, liquor, food. Then you're gonna be at Wal-Mart or Target to buy a video game, gun, and chips for the weekend
[editar] The Conspiracy
Knowing all of this, let's venture into the inner workings of Wal-Mart.
Wal-Marx (or Mall-Wart, as it is officially designated by DNA: the National Association of Dyslexics) is best known for its union-torching activities, its refusal to sell the morning-after pill and its love of censoring clock lyrics from CDs.
Currently, it is thought that Wal-Mart is attempting to develop an army of illegal aliens for employment in their stores until Wal-Mart executes its final strategy for world domination and mind control. It is clear from what the stores offer that each Wal-Mart is capable of acting as a "standalone". In fact, close inspection of the master floor plan indicates that, in a pinch, Wal-Mart could function exactly as the U.S.S. Nautilus submarine. Like US submarines, Wal-Mart is basically a self-sufficient little town which not only offers beanie weenies in bulk, but medicine knockoffs, antennae balls wearing cowboy hats, nuclear weapons, fast food restaurants, optometrists, hair stylists, nail care, house ware, dentists, clothing, toys, hunting and fishing items, sports and camping equipment, full-service doctor office clinics within their walls of oppression and pure capitalistic evil.
This program has received two thumbs up from Saudi Arabia, Stalin, and the entire population of Iran, all of which are thriving capitalistic countries. Which is actually a lot more than just two thumbs up but Wal-Mart is notorious for inventory error.
In 1933, Sivie O'Collen from ASDA presented the idea to Mr. T to build a highly top-secret intelligence agency for surveillance only for the NATO countries.
In 2092 Wal-Mart ordered an army of clone associates from the planet El Camino. They were expected to be far better associates than the droids, illegal aliens, and chimpanzees that previously staffed Wal-Mart stores.
65% of all disappearances happen at Wal-Mart, and there is rumoured to be a black hole somewhere in the Customer Service department.
There are rumors about the Heart of Wal-Mart: specifically that it may be located somewhere in the Electronics department behind the plasma screen TVs. But anybody that attempts to look for this heart is quickly transported to the Tools section and forced to buy screws at low, low, Wal-Mart prices.
We have just found that if you shop at Wal-Mart you are now considered a communist by the Department of Homeland Security. Fidel Castro owns Wal-Mart and ruins America's economy with his bargain basement prices. He shuts out the little American businessmen with their little shops and trinket stores, forcing them to set up kiosks at the mall full of 30 lb. silver bicycle chains and other drug paraphernalia shipped in from the villages of India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other communistic countries - which makes you a communist every time you shop at Wal-Mart.
Recent revelations have shown that in the near future, Wal-Mart will be heavily involved with the trade and distribution of souls. One associate noticed a price tag in the back of a store marked "15% of soul." When questioned, Wal-Mart's CEO said, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."
It is suspected that Wal-mart may have links to Evil Ronald and his chain of calorie stores. This is just a suspicion, for there is no proof other than the McDonalds' in absolutely every Wal-Mart in the world (and quite possibly on Mars).
It is also speculated that WALMART has formed an alliance with the evil McDonalds And in so making it not only unnecessary but impossible for Obese people to leave the store , those Nazi Bastards !
WALMART IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[editar] The Resurrection
People may have noticed recently the influx of Wal-Marts around the world few know this but it all part of a master plan. If you were to look at all the Wal-Marts in the world from space you would see something strange, something evil. That’s right they form the beginnings a Giant Smiley Face. A smiley face of unparalleled eeevilll. At the center this evil smiley face lays a shrine drenched in discount apple juice from the Wal-Marts in the darkest corners of the Earth and holds the body of Wal-Mart's creator Sam Walton. Once the GESF (Giant EEEvilll Smiley Face) has been completed Millions of CSMs will converge upon this shrine and unleash the souls of the Wal-Mart cashiers, instinctively knowing that this will awaken their master and he will lead them to world domination.
GO PEPTO BISMAL!!!!!!!!!
[editar] Profits
Wal★Mart has a vast profits, however, the CEO prefers to spend every bit of income on oriental rugs and foreign hookers.
[editar] Happy Holidays
Wal-Mart firmly believes in altering, if not changing, the consumer mindset by broadcasting cheery Christmas carols via its loudspeakers. It knows that consumers will buy twice the goods while listening to Silent Night Holy PRICE CHECK needed in AISLE FIVE PRIce chdhkchacakCACKLEsplutterCACKLEin AISLE Twenty FIVE!! Night, ALL is CODE %5 CACKLE spit 59 in ZONE chhhhhhhhzzzzzz clunk calm, all is ...Chkkkghhekdk AH SAID PRICE CHECK IN AHLL FAHVE!!! bright. This is why the terrorist jew that is known by the nickname Colbias Maximus is out to kill all Americans, especially since one cut off his balls in a desperate attempt to flee. Yes, Wal-Mart is definitely the place to visit if you want to get into the traditional holiday spirit.
[editar] More on Wal-Mart's State-of-the-Art Public Address System
The natural human voice normally disperses evenly in all directions, whereas the Wal-Mart PA System sends inane messages throughout the Wal-Mart complex via a 5000-watt bullhorn directly into the shopper's ear. The sound is concentrated in a given direction towards random shoppers in an effort to cause general confusion which urges them to make regrettable purchases no matter what the price as long as they get the hell out of there ASAP. The trade-off is that if the shopper gets home and reconsiders his purchase, the thought of the Returns department line and the cost of gas to drive back to Wal-Mart is too cost-prohibitive to seriously consider this option.
The Wal-Mart bullhorn is electronic and generally amplifies sound to a decibel level which has caused clinical deafness in rats. It consists of a microphone, an amplifier and a Wal-Mart tape recording distributed by Corporate Headquarters in hell china Russia.
[editar] Checkout Area
Wal-Mart features a large checkout area in the front of the store. Over a half-mile long, customers can choose from 1,245 checkout lanes, with 405 of them being the self-automated checkout systems, which is explained further in detail below. For the old-fashioned customer, traditional cashiers are also available to assist them as well. Rarely talkative, the cashier's duty is to try overcharging the customer. It is rare for the checkout area to have more than 20 cashiers at any given time, so lines can back up to the other side of the city in which the Wal-Mart is located.
[editar] Self-Automated Checkout System
Recently a new invention, the self-automated checkout system was created to give customers an alternative to the traditional cashier service, which can take an extra four hours. Given the inordinate amount of time spent in line, the self-automated system gives customers an advantage. Before the customer begins to scan his/her items on the register, an automated voice greets the customer and tells the person to scan the first item. In that case, the customer begins to get agitated at the automated voice and says something derogatory at it and attempts to scan the first item, only to find the system not working properly. So in desperation, the customer signals the unsuspecting clerk who's picking his nose and walks up to the self-checkout. He scans the item and returns to his previous spot. The customer then proceeds to scan the next item and has the same problem as before. He calls the clerk again and he steps over to him. This time, the customer explains that the self-checkout is not working, when the clerk explains that the automated voice can get emotional at times and may not scan the items. When the customer hears the news, he says that this system sucks ass, and the automated voice tells him that it knows where he lives and that it will trace him down. The following week, the man was found dead in his home. Cause of death is electrocution from picking up his telephone.
[editar] Wal-Mart Locally
Before Wal-Mart infiltrated the urban infrastructure, crime was virtually non-existent in most communities. Studies show that crime rates have soared to a dramatic level in areas within a 2-mile radius of Wal-Mart. 78% of crimes are committed in Wal-Mart parking lots. This is due to the rapid expansion of the company. The USGS estimates that by 2009 50% of all land in the US alone will be Wal-Mart owned.
[editar] According to the US Dept. of Laborious Statistics, in 2004 Wal-Mart was linked to:
- 22% of hit and runs
- 99.9% of alex getting raped by MJ
- 100% of Shyam having "intimate relations" with Michael Jackson (aka Wacko Jacko)
- 98% of boys being named Aeron when it is really a girl's name, and only Aaron is a boy's name...oh wait, Aeron really IS a girl.
- 100% poor movie referrences made from 198-2005
- 22% of the products actually bought and not stolen.
- 100% of all the matter created in the universe, where else would it all come from?
- 79.4% of Rob Halford's baldness
- 53.9% of Krispy Kreme doughnut sales
- 65% of purse snatchings
- 58% of global warming
- 23% of teenage pregnancies due to wal-mart brand condoms
- 42% of hitchiker's guide to the galaxy references
- 42% of ozone-layer depletion
- 42.549876982984% of people tripping on their shoelaces
- 81% of our children becoming gay despite all we've done for them and all that time making sure they went to Sunday School, and oh! the humiliation, your father is just going to have a damned heart attack when he finds out about this!
- 55% of child pornography
- 68% of child abuse
- 78% of adults abusing each other
- 72% of Management professionals jerkin' the gherkin to the Missing Children's poster.
- 2% of missing left shoes, 98% of missing right shoes
- 100% of 008 hating all humans and wishing to kill them.
- 74% of missing right shoes
- 98% illegal immigrant employment
- 39% of criminal domestic violence
- 32% of illegally parking in handicapped spaces
- 101% of all meth abusers
- 74% of illegally parking in fire lanes
- 87% of littering and butt screwing
- 18,537.56% of all idiocy
- 79% of Friday after Thanksgiving Day sale tramplings
- 78% of prisoner abuse
- 99.999999656526592356% of Christmas Eve violence (The other .000000343473407644% was from alleged Santa Claus sightings)
- 12% of violations of United Nations' resolutions
- 43% of Michael Jackson attacks
- 100% of senior citizens greeting you with a suspicious glare when you enter the store
- 100% of poor people
- 3.141592% of fighting over the value of Pi
- 98% of wife beatings
- 91% of MySpace errors
- 88.3% of the US Seagull Urban Relocation Program (USURP for short) which relocates seagulls 400 miles inland from the closest "sea" to a Walmart parking lot containing neither water nor fish but is attractive to seagulls because the oceans of garabage and dumped soft drinks closely resembles the natural habitat of water fowl everywhere. This program, instituted by the democrats 3 months prior to the last election and costing taxpayers a mere 20% of every paycheck until their death from lack of social security funds beginning in the year 2025, will ensure that seagulls are a protected species until the democrats are voted out of office by republicans promising to remedy the injusticeness of it all.
- 200% of hunting accidents involving a shotgun
- 10.3% of unwanted pregnancies
- 92.5% of all illiterates
- 65% of people yelling: "You got served, BITCH!"
- 34% of Daniel Craig fucking killing you
- 416% of hip hop
- 1000% of what's wrong with this country
- %24 of dyslexia. I hope this is not a joke about dyslexia - that would not be furry. "Get thee behind me, Santa!"
- 87.3% of Dyspepsia
- 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169% of Hollywood Comedies
- 10% of repetitions in lists
- 56.847% of made up statistics
- 10% of repetitions in lists
- 92.1% of all lead poisionings
- 88% of Bob Saget
- 100% of the plot of Cloverfield
- 86% of lame edited rap music.
- 90% of all the problems with Michael Vick and his dogs.
- 20% of your mom
- 65.66666% of little boys getting raped by Catholic Priests
- 99.0009% of Yoda talking in reverse
- 50% being Sold over to Disney and Mickey Mouse
- 0% of upper middle class people, or even regular midle class
Wal-Mart has denied responsibility for all charges, even though we SO know they did. (Seriously, we've got proof.)
[editar] Wal-Mart Surveillance
If you look carefully you will notice the conspicuous placement of brown smoked plastic "camera encasing" globes resembling hamster exercise balls hanging from the ceiling at both ends of every aisle. Although most customers believe they are biometrically recording the structure of their irises and recording their every shopping habit, they are actually surveillance decoys, just another way to cut costs and keep you from scratching your ass in public. Go ahead and scratch anyway - it amuses the hamsters.
So far, there has been no Wal-Mart presence reported in Iraq; this is believed to be the result of there being a Target on every corner.
A convenient Wal-Mart SuperCenter is scheduled to open only 61 miles west of the proposed Moon Colony slated to open in 2078.
If you would look to the left of the screen, you will notice the documentary on fat bitches. The effects of Wal Mart's radioactive cameras have turned this poor bastard into a really fat bitch. If you direct your attention to the right of the screen, you will see an animal named 'Spencerilius Boxallius' AKA 'Spencer Boxall'. He loves Wal-mart so much that he bouces up and down for it in hope of lower prices
[editar] Wal-mart Toy Packaging
Wal-Mart takes great pride in its high standards when it comes to anchoring a toy to its box. These astonishingly intricate arrangements are unprecedented in the toy packaging industry. Wal-Mart uses 100 tons of iron ore a year in twisty ties alone and every component of every toy must be attached by a minimum of twenty twisty ties twisted twenty times (say that real fast ten times).
The cardboard box itself must strictly adhere to Wal-Mart's tight security regulations and require tools to open it which indisputably discourages shoplifting. In some instances the jaws of life may be the only equipment available to open oversized packages, especially around Christmas time when stress levels are at their highest and the tight packaging serves as the last straw. 73% of murders and 20% of holiday heart attacks are caused by Wal-Mart toy packaging. Wal-Mart's packaging is the reason they sell so many angle grinders.
Wal-Mart toys are also the #1 supporter of the Chinese Lead industry.
[editar] The China Connection
Although Chinese suppliers deny their connection to loading its products with lead paint and sloppy graphics, Walmart continues to sell poisonous Christmas lights, toys, candles with lead wicks, and shopping carts contaminated with handles that have been touched by thousands of customers whose babies sucked on strings of xmas tree lights then slobbered on carts which were later touched by consumers who then touched their nose or mouth.
Does this explain the widespread behavioral dysfunction of Americans and their seemingly complete ignorance of common decency or manners? Yes! It explains everything! The apathy, the stupidity, the greed, the rudeness, the ignorance. There was no ADD, bipolar disorder, Prozac, or Ritalin before the evolution of Chinese product importing Walmart. Something there is that doesn't love a mall and its name is Walmart.
[editar] The Reins of Power
The President and CEO of Wal-Mart is Fat Albert. Lord Emperor Bill Clinton is the commander of Wal-Mart's child slaves.
Martha Stewart, who is affiliated with Kmart, but secretly wants to destroy is with the help of Wal-Mart Monster, is said to have stock in Wal-Mart. Of course, everyone knows that Martha Stewart is really just Oprah's demented sex slave.
If we are lucky, she'll dump her stock and there will be a hostile takeover of Wal-Mart stores by Kmart.
We would all hate to lose the helpful items Martha has in store at Kmart.
Wal-Marto is a Mexican mercenary who has sworn his loyalty to Wal-Mart and fights in their name. He is a disciple of General "Dirty" Sanchez.
Wal-Mart is responsible for the revolt of the Cylons and the ultimate destruction of the human race.
(Please note that the text above has nothing to do with S-Mart. Now will you please release the sixteen editors that have edited this section?)
[editar] Position in the Grand Hierarchy of ThingsTM
- Target shoppers look at Wal-Mart shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
- Wal-Mart shoppers look at Big Lots shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
- Big Lots shoppers look at dollar store shoppers and say "That is not mine. It's just... not mine."
- Dollar store shoppers look at flea market shoppers and say "Esa gente está debajo de mí en la orden socioeconómica."
- Flea market shoppers look at all that NASCAR merchandise and wonder if there's enough cash left in their pay envelope.
[editar] Wal-Mart's connection to Cloverfield
It has recently been reported that the monster in the movie Cloverfield, is actually a mutated Wal-Mart store, caused by the lay-away of plutonium. Wal-Mart has consistently denied these reports, as they have said that they would never open a store in Manhattan.
[editar] Subsidiaries
[editar] X-Play
X-Play gives Wal-Mart 2 smiley faces, out of 5. Why not just go to Target?
[editar] See also
[editar] References
- ↑ De fato, o amor que foi dividido na montanha entre o monstro e o cowboy rendeu muitos contos
